Love and finding the right person
Chemistry “the five ingredients”
From Misha’s book
• You need all five for real success
o Be honest with yourself
1. Easy Connections
a. Easy to talk to, easy to be silent with each other too
b. Can be yourself around the other person
c. Not perfect, just easy (no walking on eggshells)
d. You feel comfortable talking about things that are important to you
i. Not just the good stuff, but the dark stuff too
ii. Not worried about being honest
2. Fun
a. Pure way to show delight in each other
b. When it’s just the two of you alone, is there a high probability you will have fun? Do you?
c. If you plan to try to have fun – would you do the same things?
d. Do you find the same random events in life funny?
3. Safety
a. Are you comfortable with the person? Do you feel intimidated?
b. Do you trust the other person? Will they run and tell their friends/family things about you as soon as you have fight?
c. Will you be criticized for your “faults” all the time?
d. Is your relationship your “sanctuary” where you are safe and secure
e. Do you feel like you don’t ever know what’s going on with the other person?
f. Will your partner be a reliable person that supports and defends you?
g. Will your partner spy on you behind your back? Are they sneaky? Control freaks?
4. Respect
a. R-E-S-P-E-C-T
b. A relevant and essential element of “chemistry”
c. Do you think, or does your partner think about you:
i. You are lazy
ii. You are irresponsible
iii. You have bad moral values
d. What happens – men push women into little “cutesy pie” boxes of disrespect, or, women endless try to “fix” the lazy/irresponsible/morally corrupt men
5. Mutual attraction
a. NEVER minimize the physical part of a relationship
i. Looks are not “superficial” in a relationship but can drive it apart
b. Aspects
i. Looks
ii. Feel
iii. Touch
iv. Making out, sex – is hot
1. Real connection, not just “porn star” sex
c. Does the other person “feel right” physically?
i. Height, weight, age, physical stamina?
Beware of:
• Halo effect – overlooking the bad/incompatible issues – or – not recognizing the great/compatible areas
• Boredom factor – everything gets boring once in a while
Lifestyle: how you live your life – very important
• Do you like to do the same things?
o Rock concerts? Classical concerts
o Sports events?
o Exercise?
o Travel?
• Do you prefer to have a rigid agenda and sticking to it, or, do you like a lose plan?
o Are you comfortable staying in bed to noon once in a while and hanging out…or…would that drive you crazy?
o City or Countryside?
o Do you like going out and “partying” with friends, or, do you prefer to be at home all the time?
How to break up with somebody
o It’s not that complicated in reality…
• Just slip out the back jack, make a new plan stan, you don’t need to be coy,roy..Just get yourself free…Hop on the bus, Gus, you don’t need to discuss much, just drop off the key Lee…and get yourself free
o Try to keep it together as long as you feel you can
• Really work
• Be honest
o Once the decision is made:
• Don’t answer “why?”
• Endless negotiation on how to change
o But this is not a discussion on how to improve the relationship, you should have already done that
• Don’t turn it back into a “now you’re serious” patchup discussion. This is THE discussion
o How to do it:
• “This relationship does not work for me anymore”
• “but why dear?”
• “we’ve been over that already. It simply does not work anymore”
• “can you explain”
• “It simply does not work anymore…that’s all I can say”
• “is there somebody else”
• “please don’t make this harder than it needs to be. It does not work anymore”
o What to know beforehand
• You are sure
o What your relationship will be in the future
• Friends?
• Co-parents?
• Money?
• Who moves out?
• When you this move will occur
• Kid issues
• Primary custody
• Time share
• How you will tell the kids this
• How you will tell the family
• Next steps
o Don’t be defensive, and don’t be critical of the other person…they are the one at the “surprise party”
• Don’t do it in a public place (unless you are scared)